Devotion hadn't been something I ever felt comfortable with. I've always thought of myself as free spirit. And devotion felt like an imposed structure. It felt blind, rigid, and stressful. It also felt like something I would do when I was on some kind of high, but probably wouldn't make a whole bunch of sense or use a month later.
When I was coming out of my last maelstrom of life challenges and changes, I thought my biggest lesson would be finding my true self. I followed the signs I had asked the Universe for and found two programs I decided to invest in. Coming off the coattails of losing a dear friend, fellow light worker, and mentor to cancer, I knew I needed a lot of love and space to sort through the layers of grief I had begun to release.
The lesson that first assaulted my senses from the cumulative lessons pointed to how disconnected I had become from Source. Even in that state, I was still receiving guidance, psychic hits, and deep knowings. One can never be truly disconnected from the matrix and energy field of Source.
But what I had begun to realize was just how many mountains I was trying to move all on my own, just how large the chunk of guilt and shame were that I was trying to shoulder without help. I had gotten to the point where I didn't want help.
There didn't seem to be a way I would accept it. I didn't want others mucking around with things they couldn't understand the depth of. I didn't want to taint others with the level of heavy darkness I was carrying around.
Looking at it from I know now, I can say, WOW, that was true devotion!!
But it was totally the wrong kind of devotion. And it was utterly pointless of me to become my own scapegoat. All that weight served no one and nothing. It didn't make people like me more. It didn't make more acceptable. It didn't even please them! The people around me even had the gall to complain I wasn't my happy old self!!! Imagine that!
So, when I finally saw what was happening, like any logical person, I stopped doing that. That carrying around of shit really sucked. I spent almost two months scraping the layers away, letting all the emotions and beliefs roll off my shoulders.
With the help of frequent hot tubbing, a neck shiatsu massager I got for Christmas, and a gallon of Valor essential oil, I thought....(hahaha, no mind doesn't speak that way) guidance niggled it's way into my heart and soul that all this self-care, all this centering into self and Soul Self, this was my highest calling.
I had recently been sooo devoted to being the one in the "Wrong", so that others could feel good. Why wouldn't it work, or be less truthful, for me be devoted to feeling the highest vibration of self I could, so that others could feel good...and me too.
How had it taken me all these years and stresses and worries to really realize, that my devotion and practice needed to come before ALL else. It's the root of my work, my parenting, my relationships, my sense of vitality, willingness, value, and my joy. By committing to centering and raising my own vibe, I was committing to my own joy.
And I'm sure sitting here reading this, you aren't on verge of tears like I am. Perhaps it was a "you had to be there moment".
But, for at least this period in my life, I caught a genuine glimpse of what joyful devotion is.
It's as clear as the question Eddy Izzard poses in one of his classic comedy skits, "Cake...or death?"
Well, DUH, I'm going to be in JOY!!!!
There is no real decision to make. There is only the continual practice and devotion to practice the embodiment of ME! Whether that takes the form of a physical practice, like yoga or za zen sitting, or if it means curling up in bed on a snow day, bears no consequence.
Once a day for 45 min or continually through out the day doesn't matter in the long run either. It is the commitment to practice, to practice embodying my Soul Essence that matters. It is the joyful willingness to keep saying YES to the present moment of ME that is the true devotion.
And from ME, that sacred and infinite center, all else will also come. And it will be joyful!