Expanding into your dreams: achieving without striving

expand into your dreams

 

For a few years now I have been struggling to realize my dreams for my business. Around last November I signed up for a course from the Amazing Shirly Joy Weiss where I was learning and re-learning how access my own Divine wisdom and use it to really refine my business process and understanding of my offerings. For most the program I struggled to really ground the Divine Awesome Woo Woo messages down to something, like what to say in a newsletter or Social Network post.

It was those little things that I really off about. And I would hear the wisdom asking me to just keep calm, keep in center, keep up the daily practice of opening, filling up on source, asking, and listening. I knew in my heart that I was going somewhere with all of this, with rummaging around my creative process to find the right words, the right sentiment, the right…well, any sort of inspiration.

One of the first things Shirly talked to me about was staying in center. And my too-literal-at-times brain, said “got it. I’ll sit right in my deep center and I’ll try not move from there.” But as we were asked to do homework and challenges…well, that kind of action was so hard to do coming from a deep, centered, and, in my brain, a seated position. How do you “do” without striving? How to do create action and movement from the still center of being-ness?

The video below, I think, shows a mini-revelation to this predicament. Conditioning the body. Just like an athlete would, but for holding more light, more soul, more YOU. It should never be about moving from center to go and “do” something. It should be about expanding your sense of self, letting in more self and soul, to be expanded enough to encompass what we would like to do.

 

Sometimes that expansion will take some discomfort, some growing pains. We might have to integrate our “shadow” side or fears in order to gain enough presence to encompass our dreams and goals. And we might be afraid still, but the more we let ourselves into our bodies and into the world, the more clarity we will have of negative thought patterns that need to be healed, and more love for ourselves. As Shirly taught and I have come see clearly, fear and love cannot exist in the same place. The more love we let in, the more love there will be to work from and with. We will have arrived at our dream destination because we have expanded our capacity to love ourselves beyond our old limited thinking of who once thought we were.

What’s Worthy of your Admiration- a ditty on boundaries and self-worth

worthy of admiration

I was working in Danielle LaPorte’s Workbook O’Fire searching out some clarity from a place of peace I have been seeking out further connection and grounding into. The question that struck me in the workbook was “What do you tell people at parties you do?”

Being me, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this, my first response is usually to balk and hide. Surely they want to measure me up when they ask those kinds of questions. I tell them any lame thing, not a lie, but rarely if ever the whole truth. Namely, I don’t think people will really understand I will be judged. And the follow through on that thought is judged and found unworthy.

It’s not so much about me, but what I’m doing, standing for, investing in. I’m okay with me, but I’m not okay with the judgment. I balk because, in the pale light of that kind of confrontation, I am not sure it what I do measures up to what I think it is. I realized that I wanted to feel that whatever I am doing is “worthy of my admiration”.  And then I laughed, I laughed like the fool on the spent a month fasting on a mountain only to get a simple truth in revelation.

Don't borrow energy from the future, be in the present with your self-worth

“Worthy of my admiration”….it sounded so conceited. Which is not me. My ego is not that large. I don’t usually know how to be that judgey.

But soul said back to me, “Well, of course, you fall so hard for things and people. You love the potential more than the actual. Who could really be worthy of your admiration when you do not see what is in the NOW?”

That stopped me cold. It’s not that I’m judgemental, it’s that I see the beauty.  I also see where the beauty is clouded, hiding, a little tarnished around the edges. I believe I can fix it, and then focus on a future where that beauty is evident for all to see. Sensitives usually do. From ideas, to plans, to people, and loved ones, we want so very much for their beauty to shine, that we invest in something that is either out of our control or something that simply isn’t “there” yet.

But this also speaks to where we invest our love, our energy, our vital and visceral essence. Even our devotion. Our self-worth.

What is truly worthy of our admiration right now?

What is truly worthy of our admiration right now? Click To Tweet

And of the things we really want to admire…perhaps we’re trying too hard to make it something it isn’t…yet. Perhaps we need to take a step back. Perhaps we need to work more closely with it, so that it can be worthy. I know what’s worthy of my admiration. But what’s worthy of your admiration, your devotion? Leave me a comment about your crazy love and admiration!!

Have you hit the fall wall?

eclipse image copy

Let me guess, you never heard of the Fall Wall. Well let me tell you a little more about myself.

My life-long friend and I spent a lot of time outdoors in the woods. As the seasons and years passed we noticed how differently the seasons made, not just our moods, but our bodies and energies run. Spring seemed to be a time of leg work and preparation. Summer had you running light and breezy (or at least wishing for a breeze in the humid Pennsylvania heat). Winter was slow, comfortable, and sacred, allowing one to dream in the dark space between growing and blooming. We loved (and still love) Fall. It always seemed, no matter how magickal, and re-energizing the Fall felt, the fall presented some kind of soul challenge. Perhaps all the seasons do in their own way, like discerning what seeds to plant in the fall, making the most of your light in the Summer, and the Winter is for honing dreams. But Fall Wall as we came to name it, always seemed to become existential quickly. This Fall wall seemed to question the fruits of the years labor and our plans for investment of those rewards. It asked to us to assess, was it all worth it? The anticipation, the labor, the wishing, the longing, etc…

It’s about as great as it sounds. life is going swimmingly then WHAM you hit the Fall Wall.

From there you face doubt, struggle, and all the goals and wished that have yet to come true. You keep hitting until you one day you find the key, the one thing you were missing. Or perhaps it was something you forgot about it. Either way this year, 2015, your Fall Wall has a chance to blow wide open with the series of eclipses that are ending this week.

Are you ready to let go and get back on the road to where you NEED to be going?

What are going ready to release during this Eclipse? Ready, set, leave a comment!!

Being open and an empath Part 2: What to do instead of shielding

How can you flex those love muscles?

 

In the previous section of this article series, I had asked my empath, intuitive, and sensitive readers why they were shielding and if that shielding was what was really best for them. What I heard my readers and clients saying was that they had reached a point of overwhelm and/or trauma and couldn’t handle the extra stresses related to being sensitive and open. But it doesn’t have to be that way! We don’t have to fear pain or the potential of pain to the point where we shut down as an empath or sensitive.

The average person will go through natural cycles of being open and closed, needing healing and moving forward. But empathy seems to compound these cycles, because empathy taps into the very building blocks of our reality, how the world is being experienced through thought and feeling. While empaths do have to find ways to create a comfortable balance with being social and hermetic, we cannot close ourselves off the world around us.

The most powerful way to create this balance is through raising your vibration. I’ve noticed that many of us will actually attempt to shrink or hide away when faced with stress or confrontation. While I think that is a learned survival instinct, I also think it’s the exact opposite of what needs to happen. Shrinking or hiding pulls one inward, and away from the very thing that will help.

Don’t hide behind a shield. Raise your energy! It’s contagious!

Don't hide behind a shield. Raise your energy! It's contagious! Click To Tweet

While the world admonishes people who always seem to have their rose-tinted glasses on, a lot of empaths always have rose-tinted glasses on with people and their potential, we can’t help but see it in others. lt’s that Love that will allow us to be both open and protected. I’m sure many of you have already sensed that, which is why we keep trying to “fix” people. But we can’t affect balanced and long lasting healing if we keep moving from out of our powerful centered space. The minute we try to reach our feelers out there or give our energy to another (whether through emotional defense or an actual attempt at healing) we leave our center and leave ourselves that much more in a state of lack. There is a better way.

If we can shift ourselves to a loving space, tapping into Divine Love and support, raise our vibration in that moment we will automatically have a buffer against the heavier emotions. A loving space will also be contagious, it will make people think twice about holding on to what’s holding them down. It will lift you up, energize you, increase your feelings of self and confidence, while also serving a greater purpose. And tapping into Source will automatically expand your energy, you’ll get larger than the problem at hand and more clear about the problem at hand. Truly the best of all worlds for a sensitive or empath!

Your spirit is your true shield. –Morihei Ueshiba

Your spirit is your true shield. --Morihei Ueshiba Click To Tweet

 

What do I mean about a loving space? I certainly don’t mean pooping rainbows or being hopelessly optimistic.When we are in-center and connected to Source the root of the problem becomes automatically apparent. The answer is always some sort of pain, hurt, or fear of these experiences. The only thing that can cure these things is love. Being in a loving state doesn’t mean we enable others, it doesn’t mean we believe their stories of pain (excuses and crutches). It doesn’t even mean we do anything but listen, believe they are stronger and wiser than they believe, and maybe give them a hug. When you are in that loving state, you will be able to see the pain others clearly. It’s like knowing whether the love lights are on or off in another. Sometimes just showing them the love light in you, will help them figure out how to turn their own love light up.

Growing roots into your longing

root into longing

I don’t often think of growing in terms of difficulty, but I found that phrase on Danielle LaPorte’s site today and it felt good. It felt like relief. Like I could breath again. A sense that while my small bud is struggling to grow roots right now into a direction in my garden I had yet to claim, that over time, strength will grow. Over time I will find that underground water source and be able to support my own flourishing.

It reminded me that the pain today, was a growing pain.  A temporary thing.  That tomorrow’s pain will be thing of the past as well, because I will have grown that much more

So today I will take small step and enjoy the process, because I will only be here once, in this spot, in this time, making these choices. That has been my gift today.

6 must do’s to keep your relationship amazing!

Think_Love_Be_LoveHow’s your relationship with your partner? Not as exciting anymore? Going through a rough patch? Or one of may rough patches? Maybe you drifted apart, or maybe you’re just afraid of those things happening your relationship. Here are the 6 must do’s for keeping your relationship amazing!

Out of all the things on our essential needs list, universally, healthy relationships will fall somewhere on your short list. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, one where the romance and connection is breathtakingly constant and both partners are always in a constant of state of attunement to each other. Those are beautiful ideals, but that is all they are. Most people experience moments or periods of time of this kind of epic love, when they do experience it. But it not something that can or should be sustained. It is often this kind of thinking that gets a lot of relationships into trouble. Check out my 10 myths of relationships and marriage if you need to!

Since life coaching is all about getting to the issues that matter to you the most and making some plans to help you find a little resolution and a little clarity, I’m going to talk about some tips and hints to plan into your life, easy simple things, that can go a long way to further a relationship, and they are all super secret powered tested not to drain you or give away pieces of your soul!

 

  • Never underestimate trust, hurt, and healing:

When we go through any kind of hurt, whether it’s a loss of income to the family, infidelity, loss, or strife, we will go through stages of acceptance. Most people might have realized this about loss and grief, but these stages are true for any kind of life shock or trauma.

Those stages are:

  • Shock and/or Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression and regret
  • Acceptance

This is very helpful to keep in mind, as most people will go through many, if not all, of these stages when dealing with everything from hurt feelings to loss or separation. There is no real way to by-pass any of these stages within in the context of the situation you are in. Some stages will last longer than others, sometimes you will cycle through them more than once. It it helpful to know where you stand and where your spouse or partner stands in a common conflict or situation. Knowing where they fall in these stages can help you find a little compassion for yourself and your partner.

 

Hurt happens because some kind of trust is broken or lost within a relationship. The closer we are to someone the more we trust that person and their patterns, whether or not those patterns are actually healthy or not. When there is conflict or if those patterns begin to change, whether we are understanding or not, we will usually feel a little hurt or disappointed that something we have come to depend on can no longer be there for us. We have to deal with the root of that inequity or perceived inequity in the relationship for any real healing to begin.

 

One of the surest ways you can tell you are not dealing the root of the pain or hurt is when you keeping using blame. Blame can be hard to spot at times, especially when we are in the heat of the moment or situation. But we are coming from a standpoint of blame when you are convinced that someone is making or forcing you to feel a certain way. For instance, “I wouldn’t be so upset, if he/she would simply grow up!” or “Why am I always the one who gets hurt (does all the work, takes care of everything) in this relationship?” Those are statement of blame, because we are not acknowledging our own role in the relationship or conflict. Mind you, we are speaking of relationship problems, here not criminal acts between people who may or may not have had a prior relationship. There are no one-sided relationships.

 

Get clear on what you are feeling, why you feel hurt, and what your role is this situation!

 

  • Couples vision:

Never underestimate how difficult it is to live in harmony with someone else, day in and day out, through good times and bad. The merging of two separate lives into one is miracle, not automatic. There is nothing wrong with you for not knowing exactly how to live with the love of your life, the first or even second time around. Our first exposure to families is in the role of a child, someone who is watched after and molded. But when we enter into our second family relationship as an adult, we have literally no experience in how to live as couple. Having a vision and common set of goals toward which the couple is collectively building toward can go a great way to establishing how the rules and expectations there are for living with your partner or spouse, and rules and expectations that you are both more likely to agree to.

 

Few have had to chance to build that vision together before marriage, but it’s never to late to re-focus where a relationship is going and to re-evaluate how your combined patterns and habits are serving your collective life. If you would like more information on how to create a vision for marriage and family, sign up free membership to my site here!

 

  • Active listening

Better communication is never a bad thing. Never ever presume you know what your spouse or partner meant by something, and always, always keep asking whether you correctly understood them. There is a ton of good material out there to teach active communication, just keep in mind it’s something that takes mindful practice. Even if you slip up and speak from anger or fear, you need to get back on the active listening horse and find the road again. Blame, remaining stubbornly correct, and tit-for-tat behavior will never resolve any argument. Energetically speaking, it will only make the hurt continue. So remember to be present in the conversation, listening, and always keep asking.

 

  • A Couple that plays together, stays together:

In the beginning, most couples don’t need to reminded to go and fun with each other. But as that “real phase” in life and relationships set in, we take those fun bonding times and activities for granted because we are focused on maintaining what we have or actively working toward something. Never stop laughing in your relationships, it opens the heart and creates more bonding!

 

  • Intimacy, cuddling, hugs, and sex are all different things and all needed:

Never limit yourself or your relationship toward counting one type of intimate contact above all else. The more and diverse reasons and ways we generate more love in our relationships the healthier and stronger our relationships will be!

 

  • Rules for date night:

Don’t leave date night to chance. In the real world and real life, alone time is hard to come by and has to be a priority for both partners. So why not set a few ground rules to keep date about the two of you, like limit cell phone use, unless you are both doing something on the phone together. Some other ideas for date night rules are:

  • Switch off for who gets to pick what happens at night
  • Have a dress code for date night, make it suit your needs and your lifestyle
  • Date begins with compliments about the efforts each other made to prep for date night, budgeting, taking time off during a busy week, getting dressed up, etc.
  • Date night can only be about the couple, no double dates or other socializing. Make date night a bonding night for just the two of you.
  • Don’t always go to the movies, try different activities that might stimulate conversation and laughter where the attention is focused on the two of you and not something else.

 

Relationships are always a work in progress, make sure that the work, time, effort, and love that you and your partner are putting into your relationship is being protected and strengthen. These 6 musts are just the tip of the ice burg, but will easily work in any relationship. You will thank you and your partner will thank you for making your partnership a priority! Need a little help beyond 6 tips, you wouldn’t be the only one! Contact me for information about couple’s life coaching.

The Super Secret Powers Relationship Readiness Checklist

current-of-infinite-energy-300x300Having a relationship with another person can a beautiful or amazing thing or can be a living hell. Use this relationship readiness checklist to see if you are ready to give it a whirl. Whether you are considering a relationship, already have one, or considering continuing one, it’s never too late to run through this relationship readiness checklist to see where you really stand, from a more object stand point.

 

Do you know what you AND your partner want from this relationship?

It’s always good to have a realistic set of boundaries and expectations going to into a relationship, and it’s even better when you are conscious and aware of those boundaries and expectations. If you aren’t too clear about what YOU want, take some time and think about it. Combining two people from two separate families into one is something that many people take lightly. What do you expect and want from someone who you will consider potential future family. And family, in my coaching practice does not focus whether or not you want to kids. Two married partners are a family. Two people dating or going steady are in the process of figuring out of they fit together as family. Start with what you need and want right now, and don’t go too far out. Think in terms of week or months and then see where you stand.

 

Are you free from any other romantic relationship?

While this might not always be a dead stop for you or your partner, but think about it this way. If you are in the process of separating from marriage or a long term relationship, you are in the process of dealing with a lot of drama and a lot of bullshit. If the relationship you are trying to begin is something you care about or want to happen, why push it into the middle of all that crap? If you aren’t sure your separating from a partner, then why are you starting another relationship? All your doing is creating more drama, more hurt, and playing games. No one deserves that. Either get of the relationship you are in or do the self-work it takes to make that relationship work.

 

Can you readily and easily communicate with your feelings and needs to your potential partner?

Okay, this one might be hard to judge if you don’t know your potential partner yet, but have there been past communication issues in your relationships? Communication is 90% of a relationship. You need to be able to talk about the big things and the little things fairly and with as little drama as possible. A lot of communication issues revolve around trust issues. On some level, many people don’t trust their partners not to reject them as un-lovable or unworthy, and shy away from talking about difficult things. But why be afraid AND be silent? Beginning a conversation by explaining what you are feeling can go a long way to opening up the whole situation. You don’t have to dump your emotions on your partner, and you shouldn’t just dump it on them. Fair and honest communication can be simple like, “I’ve been feeling a little nervous because…” or “This situation has me feeling scared, because…”. In blame game, no ever wins, so keep your feelings about YOU! Additionally, consider all the things your potential mate will need to know about you, your sexual history, your problems, your fears, your credit history, your family, how do you feel about talking about those kinds of things?

If you need a little help learning how to communicate, see below for more resources!

 

Does your partner respect you and your boundaries?

While this question isn’t something that you can necessarily control, making this a topic you regularly consider can literally be a life saver. No one has the right to beat you, rape you, hit you, kick, push, or slap you. Your partner should be the first person to stand up for you if those things are happening to you, not the person who is doing those things to you. Your partner should not degrade you or belittle you, or scare or push away your friends and family (or force you to). They should not make you wait on them hand and foot, or take advantage of your paycheck and hard work while not contributing anything of their own (being a stay-at-home partner does not fall into the category automatically. Are they providing child care, emotional and physical support, home management, supporting your combined vision for your life as a couple or family?). Their addictions, disabilities, and/or upbringing are no excuse of their behavior. Your life and safety and the safety of any kids involved take first precedence. All of the things listed above are extreme red flags to your health and well-being. If you in a relationship where this is happening to you and need help, call a crisis counselor who would love to help you and take a look at some resources below.

 

 

How will bills and debts be taken care of?

Money is one of the largest challenges any couple will face. Each party in a couple should be responsible for the bills and debts they had before becoming a couple AND for the bills and debt you both created as a couple. Blind faith and trust in a partner in the area of finances is dangerous to your future. If you or partner agree to be a stay-at-home partner for any reason, there should be money set aside for that partner for each paycheck a myriad of reasons. Budgeting is one of the biggest reasons, but there is also trust and respect to consider. So many times the person who becomes a stay-at-home partner becomes taken for granted, but if that stay-at-home partner is contributing their portion of the family check toward bills, debts, fun time, etc.. this can or at least help to eliminate a lot of the blame and guilt associated to being or having a stay-at-home partner.

 

Can you or will you have a life outside of this partnership?

Here am I speaking to the ability to have an outside life AND the willingness to have a life outside of your couple or family-hood. Having the ability and the willingness to continue relationships with friends and family outside of your romantic relationship is a wonderful and healthy thing to have. If you or your partner are relying on other for their sole relationship needs and wants, then you are heading down the road of co-dependency or possibly abuse. A partnership is a coming together of two, already who and fairly complete people. A partnership will not make you feel whole and complete, unless you already have that sense of wholeness and completeness in your life.

 

Do you need monogamy?

While I don’t necessarily personally understand people who are poly-amorous, I do recognize that for some people this is the way need to have a relationship. But there are a lot of things to consider if commitment is an issue for you or your partner. I do fully agree that your partner should not be the sole and only person who is responsible for meeting your relationship needs. I agree that people need a whole and balanced variety of relationships in their lives for heath and well-being. But I have a hard time applying this to realms of sex. By definition, when you agree to be in a steady relationship with someone you are agreeing to make some sort of commitment to your combined welfare, to your existence as a single financial, legal, and family unit, two people operating in the world under a common vision and desire for a life together. No matter how mature we think are (and see the myth checklist for a little more on this), it all comes down to trust. Can you trust that your partner’s extracurricular sexual activities will not threaten the stability of the partnership you are building? Can you same the same for your sexual activities? How much is that stability worth to you? If you are willing to risk leaving that door open in your relationship, then you had better also be fairly realistic about the consequences of having that door open. Another thing to consider, how much do you trust the people with whom your partner is with? You may trust your partner, but if he or she is continually attracting people who want more than just an on-the-side thing, then that door you left open is always going to be bringing in drama and strife. Remember from my holistic explanation of relationships, that all relationships, whether we consider them casual or not, are always about some kind of energy and emotional exchange, even if we don’t like or don’t want to admit we have a relationship with your partner’s extra partner(s).

 

What will you do when the endorphins run a bit dry?

When most relationships start we feel wonderful about it. We might be having more sex than we did before, we might be enjoying the romance, and the new perspective on life. But for the most part, that will all fade away. And then you are left the real relationship, for better or worse. All of those beginning relationship things change our body chemicals and we hare literally on a bit of high and seeing things in a way that wouldn’t normally. It’s not bad, it can be beautiful. But don’t rush the assumption that just because things finally leveled out and real life and patterns set in that the relationship turned out to be a dud. When that rush finally does calm down you have finally reached the stage of having a real relationship and not the end!! I say enjoy the rush, but keep this in back of your mind. That rush is not the real relationship. The real relationship will reveal itself when things have settled down and settled in a bit. Each partner may hit that “real” phase at different times, which is why this especially important to keep in the back of your mind. If suddenly, you seem to get the idea that your partner is a different person that who you think you married or began dating, then you are only just waking up the “real” phase of your relationship and your partner might have already entered that phase!

 

Are you able to communicate your frustrations without letting your emotional defenses get in the way?

This question can also be asked of your potential partner, and do keep in mind NO ONE is perfect. But being that communication problems end up being 90% of the biggest challenges to couples, this is an excellent question to consider when you are considering your potentials for relationships. No one likes being snarked at, much less snarked on a continual basis because you or your partner are unhappy in some aspect of your life and you or they are letting it bleed over into their communication attempts. You and your partner are neither mind readers, nor necessarily aware of everything that happened in the course of the day. Self awareness and fair communication, for both you and your partner, are great keys and tools toward building a trusting and harmonious relationship. If you need a little help learning how to communicate, see below for more resources!

 

Do I like the sex, thrill, or attention, or I just like the person?

Liking or being attracted to a person does not mean you have to or should have sex with them. While I know sometimes reality doesn’t always meet this expectation, I would argue that you should actually like the person, really like who they are and what they stand for, before even considering having sex with them. Everyone likes a good time, but could you be having a better time with someone else, some one you might actually like more? Having a romantic night out with someone you feel is, “at least okay” or is “alright:, doesn’t’ mean you actually, genuinely like someone. Why not be honest about it with yourself and your partner?

 

 

Use the checklist and use it often! It will help you understand what you have, what you might have been under-appreciating, and what you might need more in your life. Don’t ever get feeling down on yourself because something isn’t happening fast enough or the fireworks aren’t always going off you. Learning how to be in a relationship means learning more about yourself than you might ever care to know. Relationships are never easy and take time, dedication, and compromise. But don’t sabotage yourself and don’t’ let others sabotage you from learning to build beautiful and healthy relationships.

 

If you want to be more sure about your relationship, try couples life coaching! You and your partner will chat with me about your goals, life vision, and challenges. Together we work toward solutions to get you and your partner where you want to be! Contact me to inquire about couple’s life coaching!

 

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