A story of Grouse Medicine

Grouse medicine

On behalf of October, the thinning veil, Halloween and Samhain, I felt guided to share some stories from personal experience!

First up is a story about opening to spiritual gifts. Pull out a cozy blanket, get a cup of hot chocolate, and let’s pretend we’re sharing stories by the campfire!

 

This month is all about being in action with flow and guidance.

Remember to share your own stories!! You never know who will begin to open to their own gifts, or begin to heal, simply from hearing your experiences!!

 

Read the full-length story below!!


 

It is a cop out to say I was born like this. We are all born like this. Few people do not have stories of knowing who a caller was before the phone began to ring, warning dreams of death or accidents of loved ones, or some type of experience with ghosts, angels, or simply something unknown. Not many of us have the chance to realize the fullness or depth of having gifts though. For some, the idea of having gifts will never even cross their conscious mind. I didn’t truly realize this about myself until I was twenty one.

My realization started with a deck of animal totem cards. I had gotten then on a whim. They felt good to my hands and at that time I was very interested in Shamanism. Every few days I would chose a new card and place it in my student id case. This way I could carry my medicine lesson with me and get to know the cards more intimately. I had my favorites, of course. Eagle was strong and sharp eyed. Cougar was crafty and fierce. Owl and crow were messengers.

About halfway through the school year I got stuck with Grouse. I didn’t really like Grouse. I didn’t understand why I needed to hold on to Grouse’s medicine for such a long period of time. I thought I was already following the life lessons of “Find your rhythm, honor the synchronicity, spiral into your potential.” I was in collage after all, studying what I always wanted to study, and taking life as it was coming. I had even been studying and practicing shamanism. It is almost a needless pun to point out, that I was grousing about Grouse’s medicine. In an attempt to get other messages, I would draw until I got something other than Grouse. This continued until I really got stuck with Grouse as the whole deck, but Grouse, vanished from my night stand.

Months passed and a few times I had become so irked at Grouse that I tore through my room looking for the deck. Each time, the deck remained as lost as it was before. The memory of it would stick in my mind, like a word on the tip of your tongue, waiting just beyond reach to be remembered. Even though I huffed and groused that my deck had been lost, there little I could do about replacing it on my collage budget. Grouse stayed tucked into my id case.

When the end of the school year came, I cleaned from my room from top to bottom. I found my deck of animal totem cards on the bottom of my night stand. This was a place I had cleaned more than several times since I had lost the deck. But the deck sat there, as if mocking me, between a few books at the bottom of my nightstand. I had been through those books and even taken them out of the shelf. I groused even more internally through out the day as I finished cleaning and packing for the year.

I treated myself that evening by going down to my friend’s apartment for some tea and some down time. It was a bit of a ritual for us. You may take that as literally as you like, because for me, life is lived by intention and not necessarily bells and whistles. We lit the candles, had a light dinner, and waited for the brew. She and I crashed on the futon couch while we waited and eventually took in our tea. It was an odd night and my friend had other visitors, of which only she could see. After several trips out West and to a reservation in New Mexico, my friend had managed to acquire the friendship of some deceased Native Elders. The Elders had their stereotypical sense of humor and rarely were things actually calm when they felt they had something to share. Nothing about that was odd to me. I had grown up my friend, so I was used to how she worked and what she could do. But that night her friends were usually particularly antagonistic in their teasing.

That night there was a message for me. I never took their messages with grace, they usually brought out the chip on my shoulder. I groused internally as my friend began to laugh while imparting the message. Because she was laughing and her invisible friends were laughing the message didn’t come through in full, but she repeated what she could make out. The message was something about the Grouse card.

I felt completely deflated. Not only had the deck been mocking me and my efforts to understand, now the invisible Native Americans were mocking my grousing. I sat slumped on the couch, annoyed, and explained to my friend about the grouse card I have been carrying around with me for months. I hadn’t told her the whole story of how I lost the deck and had gotten stuck with one card. My friend laughed even harder. She laughed not simply at me, but also at the commentary, that only she could hear. After they all had their laugh at me, it was time to say good night. I still had to make the trip home the next day.

I stood by my friend’s door, collecting my backpack and sweatshirt, when I heard something. Today I can’t tell you what it was, it had been an inconsequential snarfy comment. But I heard it. My friend once again cracked up laughing. The world seemed to stop in that moment, and stood up and looked at her. I asked her pointedly if they had said what I thought they had said. She agreed that was more or less what she heard. But I had heard it. I had heard their words in way that was not foreign to me. I had a similar internal voice most of my life….or at least I thought it was internal to me….

That moment brought my world to threshold I had never before considered. I now had to consider the fact that that voice that reared it’s head every so often was not simply me making stuff up when I got bored. I had to consider that those times when I thought I was zoning out, talking internally with, what I thought was a completely made up character, was not quite as made up as I had thought. This was something so internal to me, I never thought to tell anyone about. I had thought that this was not an uncommon thing, that it was like day dreaming. This process was so innate to me, that I never questioned how or why it was there.

While I am pointing out here how one instant began a realization, an awakening, process for me, the full course of learning what was real took time. It took some experimentation. To my mind, the largest shock was not really that I had been doing this listening all my life. It was that I had never really been alone. I had grown up being adopted, an only child, in between the ages of my cousins, few friends. I had grown up alone and grown up to like my alone times. The shock of the idea that perhaps I was never really ever alone, so to speak, changed my perspective in ways that are very hard to describe. One of the first things I felt I had to figure out was where I ended and other ways of being began. What was my authentic voice? What was fed to me without me realizing?

I don’t know what took me so long to see things as they are. I don’t know what really got me all blocked up from catching the hint that I was more sensitive than I knew. Today, while sometimes I forget, sometimes I get caught in the melodrama of daily life, there comes a point where I get a slap to the back of the head and askance of why I didn’t ask for help sooner. The world comes back into focus, and the patterns and cycles of things give the sight and knowledge I need to tread the deep waters of life and the strength to live my life on my own terms. My path is mine alone, given to me long ago. Laid forth by ancestors and friends. My path, my wheel of life and medicine, is the only thing that can break me, the only thing that can heal me. It is the only thing that is real. This is the medicine lesson of the honorable brother, sometimes trickster, Grouse. Find your rhythm, honor the synchronicity, spiral into your potential.

How to Recognize when you’re uncentered

How to recognize you are uncentered

 

Last week, when I began this series on centering, we took a brief look at what centering is. I posted a list “symptoms”to help you identify when you aren’t centered, hoping to give you a broad stroke idea of what centering isn’t. But centering is tricky. There are times when we”think” we can be fairly on target, but aren’t or have missed the central point. Additionally, there are times when we are centered in how we feel, like say when we believe we are angry for all the right reasons, yet the solution seems elusive or is something we don’t think we can accepts. This week I would like to take a little bit of a deeper dive into learning to become conscious of when we lose our center.

 

To date, the biggest centering lesson I have learned was to distinguish between my small physical world mind (ego) and my higher mind (Soul and Source). This first hand knowledge is what guides me back to center over and over again. Before my latest big shift in awakening, I thought I correctly perceived that all the thoughts that went though my mind were my own and were, at least, part of who I was. My thoughts were the result of my experiences and were hard won over life’s challenges and growth spurts. I believed that the things spoken in anger had more truth to them than things said in love. And in that, I even believed myself to be centered. Possessing at a fairly steady emotional keel. I worked to keep that.

As I began to untangle what was higher mind and what wasn’t, my beliefs radically changed. In just a post, such as this, it’s hard to say what will drive this point home for you, gorgeous Soul.  For it me took first fully (at least it felt that way at the time) coming to center to begin understanding the HUGE difference. Today I sit back and wonder how I could have ever believed that the Divine would want to punish me, shame me, kick me when I’m down, as I had done to myself when I thought every thought I had was some sort of Truth. The first time I understood that my guide, the angels, the Divine could not be harsher judges of myself, than myself, I wept for all the pain I had heaped upon my being. My own ideas (ego) of how broken I was kept me from Oneness with Divine and Creation.

 

symptoms of being uncentered

 

All those little thoughts that occurred were ego’s way of wrapping me so tightly in a cocoon of “safety” that couldn’t let the truly good stuff in, the unconditional love. In that cocoon, though, I never felt safe. No matter how many precautions I took, how well I planned to overcome my worry or anxiety. Fear begets fear, it doesn’t solve fear. No matter how well we think we are doing, if we are coming from a place of fear or avoidance of pain, we are not in center with our Divine Soul.

Our center, the seat of Soul, is a place of absolute love. Judgment does not exists there.

Our center, the seat of Soul, is a place of absolute love. Judgment does not exists there. Click To Tweet

Thoughts, the daily emotions, worries, anxieties, through time and/or circumstance pass or recede. It’s hard to hitch your wagon, plan your life, or make good choices from such a random place. Soul is constant, ever-present, and always observing things behind the scenes of the thoughts and emotions that run through us. Coming to center is learning to identify “self” as that ever-present observer. The whisper or nudge behind that daily drama. That is your truest self, and the true center of your being.

The voice of Soul will never call you fat, a loser, ugly, worthless, a screw up, broken…whatever nasty ass thing ego can come up with. The voice of Soul will show you how to give yourself the love that you need, so that you can more fully come to center.

 

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Our center, the seat of Soul, is a place of absolute love. Judgment does not exists there.

 

What, my dearest Souls, are you willing to stop believing about yourself, so that you can come more fully to center??? Let me know in the comments!

Vlog: Even Joy keeps you from your center

even joy keep you from your center

 

I know a lot of us out there are searching for your joy, your bliss, your happiness. Don’t let my words alone stop your from that journey! But all forms of intense emotions means we are caught up in ego and story! Even joy. We aren’t meant to live from the highs, but we are meant to be happy. Click the video to see where the balance is between being happy and being presently centered.

 

 

We must have faith to step forward and let go, even our joy, knowing that is what is meant to be… Click To Tweet

Learning to let go and let your feelings flow through you enable you to flow along with emotion, instead of getting bogged down trying to hold on to that state. This practice is easier to learn when your happy, but you can also learn to do it for more depressive thought-feeling states. Emotions will always be part of our experience as humans, and they are sacred messages about our degree of centeredness in the moment, but that doesn’t mean we have to make all decision based on an extreme feeling. Extreme feelings will always pass and fade, which is just one more indication that they aren’t the truth of who you are, nor do they define you!

May Cause Miralces: Day 7 A new perception or all about self-love

self-love helps you release the blocks to who you really are

Day 7 in May Cause Miracles is a recap and look forward day. I read the intro to next week, which was all about untangling some of the myth and some of the things to expect from focusing on self-love.  My journey to self-love had been guided by practicality before my most recent awaken stage. I followed maxims and addages like only give from your overflow and don’t make promises you can’t keep as if they were self loving all by themselves. I thought that the practice of these self defending idea were evidence of a person having great self-love. Yet, continually, I wouldn’t feel self-loving, only self-limiting.  Now it’s not my intent to tell you not to follow those kinds of wisdom. My point here is that they aren’t self-loving, unless you are actually self-loving.

I realize deep self-love can be a really scary or impossible sounding idea to some people. For some, in their unawakened lives, it is so much easier to find evidence of a thousand reasons to be self-loathe. Gabby makes a good point in this chapter, as she talks about how we are biased to ourselves. We can treat our loved ones so much better, and with a lot less judgment, than we treat ourselves. Ego has a funny way of making us believe that the rules that apply to everyone, for one reason or another, shouldn’t or don’t apply to us. We are more right, less forgivable, more deeply wounded, etc…, than anyone else or at least the other person in a given conflict. Ego tells us we need to believe these things because it’s trying to save us from more hurt, more pain. Yet the minute we think or believe we are separate or different from anyone else, that the rules of the Universe apply more or the rules are different, is when we have let ego run show.

Self-love has to come from within and it has to come first or else we will always be caught up in… Click To Tweet

When we begin to see that the world does NOT work any different for us than others, we can see how we’ve been holding back our true potential. If Bill Gates can be successful, so can we. No one gave him special permission to do this thing. If someone can forgive you, you can forgive yourself and others. If someone can change their mindset and situation, then so can you. The potential has always been there, but our ego has allowed us to believe that somehow the rules for our lives were different than other people. But that can’t be. We all live in the same Universe!!!

Coming into the Truth about self, is seeing how we have blocked ourselves from being just like everyone else, for better or for worse. How have we held ourselves apart, contributed to our own feelings of isolation and loneliness? And what energies and ideas have believed couldn’t never work for us, because we were too different?

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Divinely Aligned Vlog: March 8th why high energies might not feel so good

high energies vlog

Ok, first of all I promise to remember to turn off my notifications next time I vlog! So sorry about the interruptions, I’m still getting the hang of the doing of the tech.

But onward or upward, I wanted to be me in the moment for this series, so this is what you get! You get me leaning against the window in my bedroom to catch the wonderful blue skies outside.

So what’s important about today and today’s message, well it’s one of those high energy days. It’s coming into a super new moon, we’re coming into eclipse energy, and we’re having a master day today. And what all those high energies, you would expect to be feeling pretty darn good, right?

That’s not always the case. If we are not in our truth, our most Divine self, that high energy might hit you like a brick wall. You might even feel a little flu-ish or completely flustered. Watch the latest vlog to get some ideas about how you might get more in-flow with the day and high energies.

What that bad day really means

soul-garden-11

 

Today was a bad day. I can feel the pressure building in my soul. I want to shrink back down to my smaller, less aware, less responsive, less loving self. Like the Edward Gorey’s little characters from Masterpiece theater, I can feel my emotions weeping, fainting, and plotting homicide and sabotage. The balance of the tea I just made myself isn’t quite right, my back hurts, and I’ve received news today that a very tough choice had finally been made. I’ve been working on my vibration, myself, tuning deeply to my soul for a month now, an intensive class of getting straight with myself and my life. And yet, I’m still experiencing bad days and challenging moments. I still have thoughts about running away from it all to an even more secluded cabin high on an even higher mountain (I live in a house in the woods on a mountain already).

But soul knows that’s not really true, none of it really. Soul knows I’m seeking comfort and that I’m afraid. Soul is like “Girl, you are such a drama queen! Now you’re just making shit up to be cranky about!

Being in clear and flowing connection to Divine, Spirit, and Soul doesn’t mean that things become “perfect” (whatever that is), it only puts us further in touch with who we are and what we’re meant to do in this life. To dig a bit deeper here, is also puts us in touch with who we were always meant to be. So that thing you think you are resisting and can stop your becoming process over. You can’t. You are already on the path, it is already a part of you. And where we start in the process isn’t always the best place, but this present moment is all you have. This is the only moment and place from which you can being to choose and build something different. It is not a bad day, it never was. It has just been a day where I am out of alignment, in fear, of who I am and who I am supposed to be.

We are so all so obsessed, each in our own ways, with progress, success, attainment, having and getting that we forget very easily that we never truly “own” anything. Not our circumstances, not our families, not our love, or even our passion. We only choose it in each and breath. We cannot lose what we never really owned, we can only lose our ideas about it and our judgments about it. Home can be wherever you are. Family can be together even they are not physically together. Your business and reputation can be rebuilt. We aren’t even guaranteed our next breath. We can only choose to love or choose to stay in pain. We can also love when we are in pain.

The Soul discomfort we experience on a bad day is a blessing in that it shows us where are out of alignment with Divine Love. It shows us where we need to dial up the volume on self compassion and love, and our deepest soul desires.That ruffle of doubt, fear, and the like, they aren’t signals to shrink. They are signals to expand, in love, in our sense of self, our very essence. They are they signals that are telling us to start digging deeper, dreaming bigger dreams for ourselves and our lives, and come into an understanding that we are yet more than we ever dared hope or dream.

How will you use these “discontent” feelings to plant some new seeds in your soul garden to nurture? 

I bless the pain and surround you in love

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And today it hurts. Yesterday it hurt too. I am in my comfy flannel sleep pants and oversized purple sweatshirt sitting bed, because today and for the last week I know the world hurts. Their hurt magnifies my personal hurts. And so I sit and occasionally cry, letting it all wash through me.

Other times I have tried to fight and resist. I have tried to force the light to banish all the hurt. Being that warrior of light, I have struggled to end the pain. On that note, I have burned out and played on the edge of disillusionment as well. I know now that serves no one. Not me. Not others. Not the Divine I seek to serve.

I am a sensitive. I hurt because other hurt as well. I am empath. I can hear them AND feel them.

I am in Pennsylvania, in my bedroom.  I am one of the lucky ones for whom no large scale tragedy has personally affected.  But there is little I can do from here.

Little to do, but love.

I love them in their pain. I love them in their anger and fear. So many idea of what is right and what is wrong, all believing they are coming from a place of sense and all believing they are right. Even those who fear for their families and safety. Even those who seek asylum. Even those who would die for their cause. I give them my love. I give this, because it is what we all want. What we all need. I wrap the pain and the hurt in a blanket of love, as a mother would an ill or hurt child.

This is not some new age love everybody all the time statement or practice. This is a simple acknowledgement that I see pain. I see pain I cannot alone fix. But I can honor it. I can love it, compassion the hell out of it, and hold space for it, so that healing might occur.

What does my single light do for those in pain? I don’t know. Maybe someone will feel it’s effects.

 

But what can thousands or millions or billions of lights do?

Light-Night-Liverpool-pic-1

Each point of light is needed in this world.

Are you ready to step into your light?