Today I am all tripped and triggered with negative thought. Old stories, repeating patterns of hurt keep cycling through my mind and being. It still amazes me how quickly the body reacts to perceived stress. In an instant my shoulders are pulled up to my ears. My stomach is rumbling like I’m about to go down a roller coaster hill. And my chest is constricted, heavy from the shame of having to be in the same place….yet again. For the me today the story is about money, my worth, what it all means.
And just as quickly Soul interrupts my small wounded child inside, “Those are just negative thoughts, fears talking. It’s not like that.” Soul is being gentle today.
But my small wounded child needs to rant a little bit more. I dip down into the realms of the worst of the worst that could happen. I cry. I let it all out. I make sure it’s good and released out there, every need, every fear, every askance that this stumbling point be transmuted.
But then I stop everything and see what is left. The silence extends toward infinity. There is no more fear, there is just me and the moment. And in that space I see that my little outburst of fear only delayed and upset me. It might have given me some internal juice, the fire to go forward again and makes things right. But even then, it’s only fuel. The real magick is in the trust I have in this moment, in this silence, that the turmoil that I experience is momentary, ephemeral.
In that spaciousness of soul, I commit to true act of letting go. I remove my attachment to the outcome I think I want. I let it go as my THOUGHT about what will make me feel happy and make me feel secure. My attachment is to money and to the feeling of having a stash in reserve. But these are just things and ideas, and are not capable of giving me the feelings I am demanding of them. When I hone on duality of secure and insecure, my mind travels to the obvious. My lights are on, I am at my laptop, my house is keeping the cold rain off my head, I hear my dogs scratching at the door wanting to cuddle….there isn’t one thing in this room and in this present moment that gives me feelings of insecurity. The insecurity was only thought, a form of self torture, that is not needed or helpful.
Soul chuckles and asks “Now what?”
I smile at my inner guidance. While I am only guaranteed this moment, and perhaps the next, I love how Soul challenges me to believe that from one moment to next amazing things could happen. In the next potential laden moment, I know what my commitment must be. I must be able to meet each potential, to be ready to welcome a new client, to see with the soft eyes of soul where need is, and how I can serve the moment. Any inclination of worry over my security begins to fall away, for I cannot meet change from a place of worry or insecurity, and expect to run with it. And my wanting to follow where Soul leads, to step into my destiny, is far greater than any momentary fear I might have experienced.