In the space of one year my life had almost completely fallen to pieces. I’m not even exaggerating. I spent months on end on the point of breaking. My family was no longer what I thought it was. Forced lifestyle changes killed the business I had had. Court hearings, lawyers, money flying out the door. Then we lost our primary source of income. I spent months in deep resentment, anger, gnashing my teeth at the world and the various sources of of my angst. I thought I had lost everything, basically, and I didn’t know who I was anymore. Very little got better on it's own with time.
There is a point where I realized all my internal feelings didn’t mean squat. Feeling all those feels so deeply every single time they came up didn’t change anything, or if it did change something, it didn’t change for the better. Acting from that pain place never got me the results I wanted or expected. But I still didn’t know how to heal from it, how to let go, how to find comfort and peace within myself from all that had gone askew. All I really knew was that staying in that active grieving/anger stage was going to kill me and everything I loved right along with it.
I realized that if I had any chance of creating a life I really wanted to stand up for at some point in the future, then I had to start getting a grip. I knew there was no way to simply stop feeling. The more I was able to simply sit still my pain feelings, the more guidance I heard about that feeling. But now I had two conflicting voices in my head. One voice for all the world sounded like “realistic”, if not pessimistic.The other voice sounded like “hope”. I so wanted to resist hope, I didn’t want to set myself for more pain. But I did tell hope, “Maybe. Probably not today, or even this week. But there will be movement on this at some point.”
That "maybe: changed everything. The change wasn’t instant. It wasn’t all healing. But in retrospect, I see is that I was opening the door to deeper guidance. That sense of hope, it wasn’t just another opinion in my mind. It was Divine guidance, an intuitive hit, a precognition of how a potential could play out. I had resisted because I didn’t recognize it as Truth. I thought it was wishful thinking, based on my desire to have everything feel resolved and harmonious again. But it was long-term plan guidance, maybe not today. Things were heading in that direction, maybe not tomorrow, but I have to prepare myself to meet this potential.
I also resisted. I thought accepting the situation as it was, would mean that I accepted an outcome I didn't or wouldn't like. I now see perfectly how that was fear talking smack. That knowledge helps me to see how fear might be talking smack in my present. This isn’t about ignoring your feelings or burying them. It’s about being present with them and knowing that you still need to make choices. It’s about being able to say, “if my anger isn’t getting this situation better, what will? And what do I need in order move through this shit, cuz I want to be flowing, not stuck?”
Being sensitive doesn’t mean we are meant to suffer. Our emotions aren’t meant to weigh us down or rule our lives. They are sacred. They are guidance. But they aren’t the part of you that has to make the powerful, life-changing decisions you need to make in order to rise and grow.
It’s time to learn how to fierce and sensitive, true to your feelings, yet ready to create change.